Closure.

24 Apr

I’ve gotten to the point where a substantial enough amount of people have arbitrarily decided to cut me out of their lives that I have to just say…

Fuck it.

If I spent even a few minutes each day worrying about these failed friendships, it’d add up to hours upon days upon weeks of wasted time. And I consider my time too valuable to spend on that.

I’m not even writing this post out of anger anymore, really. The event sparking this little rant occurred months ago anyway – how many? I’m honestly not sure. I didn’t notice until much after the fact. And yeah, it hurt at first. Well, no, that’s the thing – I’m not sure it did.

It confused me.

Yeah, that’s it – I think that’s the emotion I felt. I went from surprised to hurt (I thought) to bitter to upset all within…probably seconds of realizing that anything even had happened. I think you can understand how confusing that would be.

I thought I’d be sitting here tonight, sipping on red wine straight out of the mini-bottle (thanks, work!) and trying to figure out why it happened, what I did, just…why.

But I’m not.

I’m actually sitting here thinking that if all these people wanted me out of my life that badly, I’m glad they made it happen. I’m glad I’m not associated with any kind of negativity, that if they had that low of an opinion of me, at least they don’t have to think about me anymore. At first I wished ill upon them; once I was past that, I had a sort of passive hope for vengeance – “Oh they’ll be sorry. One day they’ll need me and I won’t be there” and “Their loss. I’m pretty awesome, I’d want me in my life.” (Hey, at least my self-esteem didn’t suffer much.)

And finally, serenity. I think. I’m not sure, I’ve honestly never used that word except in jest. Which is a HUGE relief because I’ve got too much else to worry about…

 

 

You know, I actually wrote up the top part of this blog post about a month ago, partially in reaction to a non-event that occurred….countless months before that. I never felt like posting it.

And then today, I stumbled (inadvertently as always, since isn’t that the only way one can stumble?) onto evidence of the incredible hypocrisy of the whole situation.

In the end, I realize that nearly every time I’ve been dropped from a friendship, it’s because I’ve been seen as a threat. Ironic, isn’t it? That the only way I’d be a threat to anyone is if they make me into one.

Whatever. At least I was a strong enough blip on their radar; at least I made a difference, rather than simply being anonymous.

“Are you famous?”

15 Mar

Last night, I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I answered to find one of my roommates – big surprise, right?

“Hey,” I greeted him, “what’s up?”

“Hey. Are you famous?”

Caught off guard, I sort of laughed and said “what? No, of course not!”

“…you totally are! Don’t lie, you’re famous! Are we gonna have paparazzi around here??”

After being thoroughly confused, it turned out that one of our other roommates had a friend over earlier who apparently recognized me from YouTube.

Internet fame +1.

Speaking of which, I swear I’ll make a video and post photos this weekend.

Untitled, etc…

28 Feb

Pardon my French, but I’m so god damn happy right now.

When I first got the job offer at MMO Attack, I was obviously ecstatic. It meant I could quit my current job, it meant my entrance to the gaming industry, and it meant I’d get to move to California.

And although I know you’re never supposed to run away from things,  I couldn’t help it. A large part of the reason I was so excited (not the whole reason, mind you, but a decently-sized part) is because it meant getting out of my job and getting to California.

But, that all changed today. My boss and I have been chatting lately to work out all the nitty-gritty details. And oh my god, you guys. I have SUCH a crush on my new job.

You know the symptoms; feel the need to bring it up in random conversations, can’t stop thinking about it, my heart skips a beat just a little when I get an email about it.

And the more I hear about specifically what I’ll be doing for MMO Attack on a day-to-day basis (spoiler alert: get ready for videos and contests), the more I realize that this job is absolutely perfect for me and I’m so amazingly lucky to have gotten it.

It’s this thought that comforts me most whenever I think about how scary it is to move as far away from home as I can get with the intent of never permanently coming back.

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Guess What?

24 Feb

Friends, family members, people I’ve met who like to casually stalk the internet to see what everyone’s up to:

I’m moving to California.

I received an offer of full-time employment for MMOAttack.com, the site I’d already been doing some freelance work for. I got the offer letter two days ago, and put in my two weeks’ notice at my current job this morning.

Then, MMO Attack wants me out to California by around March 12th!

And can I tell you a little secret? I could NOT be more terrified.

Excited also, of course. Definitely excited. But also, fucking terrified. It’ll be new and unfamiliar which makes me want to simultaneously dance for joy and vomit.

I LOVE new things. I love change (usually). I get bored so easily. And to be honest, I’ve really always wanted to live in California. I’m pretty sure that’s every Ohioan’s dream; but I remember visiting California a few times when I was about 8 and just knowing that someday I’d grow up and make it out there.

I’m so thrilled about everything, though – California, the new job (Community/Content Manager), even weirdly excited for my four-day-long cross-country drive. I’ll be driving through Albuquerque, where I interned a few summers back, as well as tons of cities I haven’t visited before.

Thank you everyone who believed in me all these years: everyone who encouraged me, gave me constructive criticism, and told me that some day I’d make it.

And thank you also to everyone who didn’t: your doubts and negativity are what kept me going. I’m stubborn as all get-out, and people telling me I can’t do something only makes me want it more.

Thinking back on all the doors that have been shut to me, I realize that it doesn’t matter – the right one has finally opened.

Why I’m Excited about Guild Wars 2

20 Feb

I never actually played the first Guild Wars. Actually, as I type this, I’m intermittently alt-tabbing into the game client and playing the free trial of it.

But I absolutely loved World of Warcraft back in the day. I say “back in the day,” referring mostly to Vanilla WoW; not that I disliked all the expansions, just that for me, WoW was at its peak a number of years ago when I first started playing.

I believe it was December 2006, and my high school boyfriend had convinced me (through nothing more than gentle persuasion) to begin playing. Once I did, I was hooked. Not in an “ignoring school, friends, and personal hygiene to level grind and get the latest gear” sort of way. More of a “staying up til 2 AM eating Doritos and questing with my friends until going to sleep at a semi-reasonable hour” addiction.

Anyway, I still don’t know what it was about WoW that had me so instantly mesmerized. Maybe it was the (at the time) gorgeous graphics, the fact that it was my first MMO, the  lush fantasy worlds, the character customization, the fact that I could quest with my friends, or, most likely, all of the above. But for some reason, no other MMO has had the same draw for me – most notably, Star Wars: The Old Republic.

I played SWTOR for about a month, itching for that same WoW experience – but I was disappointed. Not that it wasn’t a good game – I think a number of other factors were at play. First, I’m really only a casual fan of the Star Wars franchise. Not that I don’t enjoy the movies (meaning, of course, Episodes IV through VI). And I do love the occasional Kessel Run debate. But I hesitate to call myself a “Star Wars fan” simply because I feel that branding myself as such would be an overstatement.

Additionally, I think I’m simply more of a fantasy, swords-n-shields type of nerd. Not that one has to choose between fantasy and sci-fi and ardently defend his or her camp; just that some are some like medieval/fantasy subject matter better, others like sci-fi/space/robots, and some like both equally. It’s why I never got into the Mass Effect series and why I became addicted to The Elder Scrolls and Neverwinter Nights.

Anyway. WoW has unfortunately long since lost its allure. Sure, I stilled played it off and on until early 2011 (taking months-long breaks), but toward the end it just wasn’t as much fun. I loved the adventuring and question, and honestly liked leveling up. Raiding and PvP were fun as well, but weren’t the focus of the game for me – so when that’s what the game became all about for everyone else, I realized I was just about done with it. I was a self-proclaimed casual player, and everyone else got a little too serious for me.

So, while I know that Guild Wars is entirely different than WoW for lots of reasons, I’m really loving what I see of the trial so far. First, the lack of monthly fee means I can much more easily take a break from the game and pick it back up again, without feeling like I’ve gotta finish out the month or I’ll be wasting money; it’s much more suited for casual players.

Also, the screenshots and art I’ve seen from GW2 look absolutely amazing. The lush fantasy worlds are exactly what I loved about WoW at first. And while the first game’s graphics are (understandably) nothing to write home about anymore, the hour or so I’ve played of it so far has already hooked me.

In the end, I guess the best way to describe what I’m feeling about Guild Wars 2 is that I see it sort of as the Second Coming of WoW – a fun fantasy game that’s only as competitive as you want it to be.

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Following your dreams: some advice

16 Feb

One of my subscribers on YouTube recently messaged me and said some really nice things about my videos, and asked for any tips I could give him.

Which got me to thinking – I feel like I’ve got plenty of tips to share for those who are interested.

I know I’m not the absolute authority on how to get huge on YouTube, how to make it into the gaming industry, or anything else – but I’ve gotten a LOT closer to my goals than I thought I would have by now, and enough people have asked me for advice that I feel authoritative enough to dole some out.

So here’s my sorta-rambly list or guide or what-have-you on how to…be successful? I don’t know. Just general advice for following your dreams.

1. Figure out what you’re good at

I grew up thinking I was one of those people who didn’t have any talents – any marketable ones, anyway. Sure, I was a straight-A student. I excelled especially at math, music, and languages – but what good would that do me? I felt I was born to be a performer, to be up in front of people. So in high school I threw myself into theatre – auditioned for every single play, but only landed minor roles in most productions. I could dream as hard as I wanted, but the fact is that I’m just not a great actor.

During and after college, I began exploring writing, and realized that I’m actually not bad at it. I know I’m no Sylvia Plath, but when I so desire, I can churn out a pretty decent piece of prose. I also began dabbling in video hosting, and found out that apparently it was something I had a knack for – sure, my skills would need to be refined quite a bit, but the raw talent was there.

2. Accept the areas where you don’t excel

Like I said, after years of trying, I finally figured out that I’m just not cut out for acting – nor singing, dancing, art….really any of the visually creative pursuits. That’s actually a whole umbrella of talents I wish I had, but no matter how hard I wish, or how much I practice, I’ll never be an actor, singer, dancer, or artist. And I’ve come to terms with that. My time is MUCH better spent pursuing new skills and refining the talents I do have, rather than trying and failing over and over again.

The difficult thing about this is that the only person who will be truly honest with you is you. Friends and family members will likely encourage your pursuits regardless of whether they’ll be fruitful or not, and trolls on the internet will probably tear you a new proverbial asshole no matter what. And I refuse to believe that more than a few people are so out of touch with reality that they’ll believe themselves to be something they’re not.

If you take some time to sit down, put both pride and modesty aside, and really assess yourself, you can honestly see what you can do and what you can’t.

3. Refine your skill and stop accepting “no” as a final answer

So, you know what you’re good at – maybe you’re a world-class banjo player, or the scavenger hunt champion of the Midwestern U.S. Regardless of what it is, figure out how it could realistically fit into your goals.

In this day and age, you can make money off nearly anything, provided you’re good enough at it and know how to capitalize on that. As I mentioned, writing was one of my fortes – so I just began writing as much as I could until I was confident in my skill; then I began searching online for freelance writing jobs, and landed my position at Walyou.

Over the months and years, I also began to apply or audition for as many on-camera positions as I could. I didn’t have much luck at first; although I had the talent, I kept getting passed over for more qualified candidates. So, I said eff the haters, and started my own video series on YouTube.

If you don’t get the job you think you want at first, be proactive – take steps that will actually get you closer to a similar role. I knew that by doing my Gaming Recaps, I’d be able to accurately gauge (based on comments, ratings, and subscribers) if I was actually good enough to do this as a job, and that I could use all the footage as a demo reel in applying for future hosting jobs, and that YouTube could help me potentially get noticed by clients or employers. All three of those things ended up happening.

4. Don’t do anything half-assed

Basically, no matter what you do, do it one hundred percent. Don’t get lazy, and be sure to produce quality content. Depending on your line of work, this may entail a not-insignificant monetary investment, and it will almost always require lots of time and effort. But all that will show in the final product.

I had to purchase a nice camera, lavalier mic, green screen, lighting, and video editing software – I’m not even going to tell you what the final price tag was on that. But what I will say is that it was worth it. I’ve gotten so much nice feedback on my work that even if I haven’t made back a complete return on my investments, that’s not really what it was about in the first place. Giving the appearance of professionalism goes so far in every industry. It’ll give you credibility (which of course should be backed up by knowing what the hell you’re talking about), show that you’re willing to work hard, and in some cases can even give the impression that you’ve got a full recording studio and camera and editing crew ;)

5. Find role models and emulate their attitude, not their actions

When I first began pursuing my goals, I’d look up to people who had made it big doing what I wanted to do – but I made mistakes each time. I often caught myself trying to follow closely in their footsteps and mimicking their actions. It took me a while, but I finally realized that’s not what role models are there for. So I instead began to emulate the attitude of my role models, regardless of their actions or career path. Your role model doesn’t necessarily have to have anything in common with you, really. He or she simply needs to be someone you can look up to, who helps you – even if they don’t know it.

In conclusion

While I might still be playing in the minor leagues for now, these are five things I found out along the way – hopefully they’ll help some of you out. I’m biased, of course, but I’d like to think my readers are quite intelligent and well-read, and as such, would figure all these tips out for themselves. But maybe this’ll save you some time.

And for my more video-inclined readers, I’ll do a more specific video help guide soon if there’s enough interest.

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More video work!

12 Feb

Well, luckily I made it to Pittsburgh and back safely. (If you didn’t read my previous post, I went to Pittsburgh on Friday to work with Classic Game Room.)

It started snowing JUST as I got back into Columbus, so everything was timed perfectly. Although I had to get up at the asscrack of dawn to leave, it was still a pretty short trip – left at about 6:30 AM, returned around 6 PM. (For my more west-centric readers, it’s about a 3.5 hour drive between Columbus and Pittsburgh, and had some great audiobooks to keep me entertained.)

While there, I did some on-camera work in their studio, and then recorded voiceovers for some game reviews I’d done for them, so be sure to check out their main YouTube channel as well as their Undertow channel and you should be seeing some of my work show up there as early as this week!

Also, one more exciting thing: I’m in the running for a paid video hosting spot on MythicTyrant.com, so I’ve embedded my audition video below. If you want to help me win, click “like” on the video, as the winner will be determined by ratings :)

 

The audition videos just went up today, and the winner will be chosen and announced in two weeks! Fingers crossed!

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Headed for Steel City

8 Feb

This Friday, I’m going to Pittsburgh to do some work for ClassicGameRoom.com, and suddenly I could not be more nervous.

I’ve met with these people before, so it won’t be a totally new experience, I guess.

I actually interviewed for a full-time position with them at the very end of March last year. At that time, I was still pretty fresh out of college, and had just taken my full-time job with Chase just under two months earlier.

For various reasons, it really just wouldn’t have worked out at that time, though I won’t go into any details here.

Anyway, I’ll be working in their studio and recording voice-overs and gameplay footage for some video game reviews they’ve asked me to do, as well as some on-camera work with their lead review guy.

So of course I have a MILLION things to do before then, like write the scripts for the reviews, capture some of the gameplay footage, make sure my GPS’ maps are up-to-date, and find an audiobook to listen to on the way there and back (feel free to recommend one!).

Not to mention the fact that I barely have time for any of that. But that’s alright, I love how many things I’m involved in right now. It’s kind of exciting doing so many things, and seeing which ones will pan out into something great.

(And yes, my mirror is still smudgy. Deal with it :P )

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Take cristicism, make it constructive

7 Feb IMG_0056

I was once criticized for supposedly never following through with anything – starting a million things and never finishing half of them.

I simply refused to accept that criticism.

In fact, I turned it into a compliment.

“Why yes, I do take on a lot, thanks for noticing. I like to keep busy and try new things, as many as I can.”

Not everything works out, and you can’t help that – most of these endeavors that didn’t pan out didn’t ‘fail’ as a result of a lack of effort or commitment on my part; rather, they hit a wall somewhere along the process. Maybe someone didn’t come through at a critical moment, or more likely, they simply reached the point of diminishing returns. After the initial push, many projects (particularly those involving other people) lose steam when the excitement dies down. They reach the point where no matter how much time, effort, and other resources you invest, you get worse and worse results.

And isn’t it just a little bit insane to keep sinking so much time into something that will never go anywhere? Wouldn’t your time be much better spent on something more valuable, something that will actually go somewhere?

Or maybe that’s just me.

This criticism came a number of years ago, but looking back I’m actually rather impressed with how I was able to take a criticism and turn it into around. I often think back on that when I’m feeling down – it’s a mark of how poised I can be when I really need to.

I’ve also begun writing in a physical journal, which is actually really amazing for stress relief.

It’s this really cheesy journal with a Chinese character on the front that supposedly means ‘dream’ – I’ve had it for years, and made several attempts at actually using it, but none ever stuck, so I’d always tear out the old pages and begin again. Now it’s worn and the binding’s fall apart and I have to tape it back together, but I don’t mind.

The pages stick out a little, the binding’s a bit crooked, and the tape shows when it’s open, but it works just fine because the tape is holding it together. Not everything has to be perfect. Life isn’t, people aren’t, so why worry about needing some help holding it together now and again?

Good news for the Gaming Recap

5 Feb

Remember that Gaming Recap series of videos I do on YouTube? Well, it’s now being partnered with WouldYouKindly.com, an awesome gaming website!

What this means:

I’ll still be delivering you a healthy dose of gaming news every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday on my YouTube channel. But starting Monday, my videos will have a short intro made by the the WYK folks, and I’ll be giving them a shout-out during each video, as well as displaying their logo in the background.

Nothing else about the actual video will change, so you’ll still be seeing the same old Ruckus that you’ve come to know (and hopefully love), just this time with sponsors!

Additionally, my videos will be crossposted to the frontpage of WouldYouKindly.com, so be sure to show ‘em some love and check out their other great articles!

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